What Can We Do to Stretch Our Hearts Enough to Lose Their Littleness?

I remember, as I prepared to bring Janan home from Guatemala, a wave of sadness, fear and regret washing over me.  I was so shocked to have these feelings come up on what was truly the happiest day of my life. So, I sat down and examined them.  What I found was that I had fallen in love not only with my child, but with her country and culture.  

Many of the indigenous peoples in this breathtakingly beautiful country are still true artisans.  They practice ancient, dying skills handed down from one generation to the next.  They speak languages, many of which are also at risk of dying out.  

Was I doing a huge injustice to my daughter by removing her from her culture, her country, her language and her people?

I truly was torn.

But, on the flip side of Guatemala's beauty is the war, poverty and guerilla activity.  From 1960 to 1996, Guatemala was in a civil war. More than 200,000 were killed and an additional 40 - 50,000 people simply vanished.  Despite the official end of the war in 1996, guerilla activity was still rampant throughout the country.  Corruption was epidemic.  Men with semi-automatic weapons stood on every corner.  Banks had as many as 5-6 armed gunmen outside and twice that many inside.  People still disappeared and travel warnings continued for all parts of the country. Because of this, what I was able to fall back on the fact that I was taking Janan from a war-torn, unsafe country into a country that would allow her to grow and develop - safely.

And then 9/11 happened.  

The tears I cried were not only for the horror, loss of lives and atrocities suffered on that day, but because my one fall-back - Janan's safety - was suddenly gone.  This country was no longer safe.  

I have spent years trying to rebuild not only my sense of safety, but my personal conviction that I did the right thing bringing Janan here to grow up.  I've focused on making sure she has the best education and upbringing I can give.  Reaffirming her culture by staying in touch with other families who have children adopted from Guatemala, attending events that celebrate Latin America and the Maya, enjoying the food and learning as much as we can about her birth country.

But as the years go on, as we remain at war, as I witness our country turning away from civility, honor and human decency, I have to keep asking myself...is she better off here than she would have been in Guatemala?

Then, yesterday, a young man opened fire in a grocery parking lot during a "Congress on Your Corner" event sponsored by our Congresswoman, Gabrielle Giffords.  Gabby, as well as 19 others were shot.  Six are dead, 14 remain hospitalized - most in critical or serious condition.  This grocery store was mere blocks from the apartment we just moved from and is directly across the street from the grocery we shop at regularly and in the same parking lot as one of our favorite restaurants.  Janan had questions about what happened, but didn't seem too upset until a radio announcement which stated one of the dead was a nine-year-old girl.  

Janan said, "She was nine? That's almost my age!  I didn't know kids died!"  I saw in her eyes an understanding that tragedies aren't reserved for "old people" and her next statement was, "America is supposed to be safe, but it's really not, is it Mom?"  

I've never shared my fears with her about taking her from Guatemala.  But my voice caught in my throat and tears welled in my eyes - how do you respond to that?  I don't believe in lying to my daughter, but I don't want to create unnecessary fear.  

Once again, I feel sadness, fear and regret.  And, at the same time, anger, determination and compassion.  This planet's children deserve better.  The boy who committed this atrocity has been labeled a "loner" and an "outsider" in the media.  As if, somehow, that explains his actions.  People are social creatures.  I don't believe, for the most part, children choose to be outsiders.  They are shoved there by a society and culture that says, "If you don't look, act, think or believe like we do, we will shun you."  I, in no way, condone what he did, he made an horrific choice that was his alone to make.  But, how many others who crossed paths with this child had a choice to include him rather than exclude him?  To honor his differences and teach him how to develop them into skills and talents that would bring love and joy into our world, rather than to tell him he was "wrong", "different" and "didn't belong"?  Yes, he chose hate, but that is what our society models for our children today.  In our media, in our schools and in our culture.  

It must stop.

How many more of these massacres do we have to suffer before we ALL accept responsibility for our parts in what is happening?  

Janan and I attended our UU service this morning.  Coincidentally(?), our Reverend had planned (before this event even happened) a sermon on "Civility & Graciousness" (I know this for a fact, because I do the order of service for our congregation and it was completed last Wednesday).  As she said, upon re-reading what she had written, it spoke perfectly to the situation.  I couldn't have agreed more.  It was profound.  So much of what was said today, not only by Reverend Atkinson, but by the congregation spoke to my heart.  But nothing more than a responsive reading we did entitled "Strange and Foolish Walls".  I'll end this post with that reading:

Strange and Foolish Walls

A. Powell Davies

        The years of all of us are short, our lives precarious.

Our days and nights go hurrying on and there is scarcely time to do the little that we might.

Yet we find time for bitterness, for petty treason and evasion.

What can we do to stretch our hearts enough to lose their littleness?

Here we are – all of us – all upon this planet, bound together in a common destiny,

Living our lives between the briefness of the daylight and the dark.

Kindred in this, each lighted by the same precarious, flickering flame of life, how does it happen that we are not kindred in all things else?

How strange and foolish are these walls of separation that divide us!