Regrets

I think there are times in everyone's lives when we regret a decision, action or choice we've made, right?  While I could easily create a list of my regrets, for the most part, I believe the moments that created my regrets were all lessons I needed to learn to make me stronger, better, more empathetic or, yes, even happier.  


But there's one decision I made that seems to keep coming back again and again to bite me in the backside.  When you first look at it, it seems like such a minor thing!  This regret, however, I can trace back to the exact date, time and location of where it occurred.  It was the afternoon of August 11, 2006 in the Tucson courthouse.  Yep, one day before my wedding.


Andy and I had to get up early that morning because we had a list of things to do to prepare for the "big day".  His luggage with his shoes for the wedding hadn't arrived, so he literally had nothing but the clothes on his back and his tux.  We needed to get socks & shoes for the wedding and a couple of outfits for the rehearsal dinner that night and the brunch the morning after the wedding.  We also had to get our marriage license.  


The clothes shopping doesn't come into play for this regret, so I'm gonna skip that part.   When we arrived at the courthouse for our marriage license, I think we were both a bit nervous.  Andy, however, always had a way of making me laugh that calmed my nerves.  


Once through the metal detectors at the entrance to the court house, we quickly found the office where we were to get our marriage license.  The guy behind the counter was actually wearing a Hawaiian shirt and the office was decorated like a Luau.  Apparently, they were having some type of celebration but Andy looked at me and said, "WAIT!  Is this where you Punk me with a cheesy, Hawaiian, Elvis-impersonator-justice-of-the-peace-wedding?!  That would be SO cool!"  The tension broken, we approached the window and told the guy why we were there.  He was very nice, even made a few jokes himself and then started the process of getting us our license.  Things were going along smoothly until he said to me, "And do you plan to change your last name?"  


Now, I'll be honest.  I REALLY hadn't thought about it.  You discuss so much when planning a wedding and Andy and I had the additional stressors of him being relocated to Michigan just 10 months prior to the wedding.  So in addition to planning a wedding half-way across the U.S., we were also trying to find a new school for Janan and a new home in Michigan all while living in separate states.   I remember my first thought being of Janan and the fact that, until Andy adopted her, we would have different last names if I changed my name so without any other thoughts I said, "No."  Andy then said, "Oh, yes, she is!"  Now, maybe he just thought I was joking but I don't take well to people speaking for me, especially on something this important, so I shot him a look and said, "Oh, no I'm not!"


Needless to say, the guy behind the counter pulled back the paperwork and said, "Maybe you guys should discuss this?"  When we stepped back, I looked up and the look on Andy's face nearly broke my heart.  I had never thought of this being something that important to him.  He seemed to take it personally that I wouldn't change my last name.  So, I told him my reservations and why I had said no.  He understood, but said we'd process the adoption right after the wedding and, as far as he was concerned, Janan would have his last name on the day we got married anyway.

Being announced as Andy, Valerie & Janan Power

So, back we went to the counter and received our marriage license.  At that point, I really had no huge misgivings, just a small, nagging feeling that more than wanting to share a last name with my husband-to-be, I did NOT want to have a different name than my daughter.


Almost immediately, however, this seemingly small decision began to cause problems.  What we learned upon returning to Michigan is that Andy couldn't adopt Janan until we had been married a year and we had lived in Michigan a year.  That meant Janan had to be enrolled in school, our medical benefits plan, etc all under her legal last name "Marsh", while we were both "Power".  To make matters even MORE difficult, Janan's legal name was still Flor (her birth name) because I hadn't processed the necessary paperwork to legally change it.  


After the adoption, I was so focused on getting settled with my new baby that her name change was something I thought I wouldn't need to worry about for awhile.  Then, just as I'm settling into being a Mama, Saturn is taken over by GM causing Janan and I have to leave TN and move back to IN, I end up unemployed for 6 months and just after finally getting a job, I meet Andy and pretty quickly become convinced he's "the one".  That's how we get to Janan being six-years-old and still, legally, "Flor D. Marsh".  


Through the first year of our marriage, I thought we were just waiting out the "year" requirement.  But after that year came and went and Andy continued to find excuses to not process the adoption, my regrets intensified.  It all came to a head when Janan became very ill following summer camp in 2008 and had to be admitted to the hospital.  Without thinking (we were rushed to the ER, so I wasn't thinking straight), I completed all the admitting paperwork under Janan Ruth Power.  Only to receive a call from the hospital billing department two days after she was admitted to have them tell me "Janan R. Power" wasn't covered under our insurance.  I tried to explain and even though the lady said it would be an easy fix, it ended up taking almost another year and a legal name change for Janan (still without Andy adopting her) to get it all cleared up and get the hospital bills paid.  


By then, Andy and I were rapidly approaching divorce and all talk of adoption had stopped.  Legally, by then, Janan is Janan Ruth Marsh-Power, but is known to all her friends as Janan Power.  When the divorce happens, she is adamant she wants to keep Power.  With everything she was going through, I didn't push the issue.  We stayed Power (legally, now, for both of us Marsh-Power, but that's a mouthful so we just say Power), but it still comes back to bite me.  


Today, at the MVD (Motor Vehicle Department), I filled out the paperwork for my registration and license renewal with my "legal" name of Marsh-Power, but since that didn't match my existing license of just "Power" (what my name still legally was when I obtained my AZ license a year ago) it caused all kinds of hullabaloo.  Without the legal documentation (my divorce decree) showing my name change, the MVD required I stay just "Power".  


Truly, there are days I feel like someone in the witness relocation program must feel.  I give one name and then have to say, "Oops, I mean..."  I'm seriously thinking of just doing what my Mom used to do when my brother and I were fighting and calling for her to intervene.  She'd look at us and say, "I'm sorry.  I've changed my name and I'm not going to tell you what it is."  


Better yet, maybe I just need a symbol like the artist formerly (and now again) known as Prince had for awhile.   Hmmm...I think I'll look into that.