Setting the Record Straight

Often, when we're hurting, we look outside ourselves for someone to point the finger at and blame. I'm no exception.

I blamed Andy (sometimes publicly) for much of my frustration, sadness and anger throughout our marriage and divorce. What I've come to realize is that (sadly) since Andy was less social than I was, very few of my friends ever got to meet him - nonetheless know him.

So, I'm setting the record straight. I don't want those who love me (no matter how well intentioned) thinking poorly of or 'hating' Andy. Obviously, I fell in love with him and married him, so there IS good in him!

Andy & I met on what I called a 'double blind' date. I wasn't aware I was even going on a blind date. A friend from college and his wife had invited me to a Titans/Colts football game, but the tickets fell through, so he called to tell me a friend of his from work was going to have everyone who had originally planned to go to the game over to watch it on his big screen TV. Not being a football fan, I was really glad we weren't going to sit outside!

I guess I had expected quite a few folks, so when we showed up and it was just the four of us I felt sorry that no one else had shown for the party. It was actually a joke between Andy & I that our first date (after that night) was a 'pity date'.

Andy had a great sense of humor and made me laugh every time we were together. He was also they guy who held your door open, could fix anything (plumbing, cars, etc.) and had a quiet strength that made you feel safe.

I remember the instant I fell in love with him. I had been away on a cruise with friends and he called when I arrived home to say he was on his way with dinner. After a long (very fun) vacation and flight, I was SO happy to have dinner showing up on my table without my having to even call for pizza delivery! That was the first time he met Janan. We had just painted her room and she wanted to show EVERYONE, so she took him upstairs to show him her room and when I followed a few minutes later (after setting the table) I found them on the floor working on Janan's favorite Winnie the Pooh puzzle. Janan's room was so small, Andy actually had to lie in the hallway with just his upper body in the room while she kept telling him, "No, Mr. Andy, you're not doing it right. This is a pretty hard puzzle, let me show you how." For almost half an hour he let her 'show' him how to do the puzzle. I stood at the top of the stairs watching this and said to myself, "I'm going to marry this guy."

It took 3 years for it to happen, but we did get married. We had a beautiful ceremony in the hummingbird garden of the Westward Look Resort in Tucson, AZ.

From there, things (obviously) went south. Marriage is hard under normal circumstances, but when you have a child already, move to a new state and buy a new home just months before a major recession, it's even harder. We tried, each in our own ways, to work through our struggles, but what became apparent very early was that our idea of what it meant to work through them was completely different and even with the help of a marriage counselor we just couldn't see past our differences.

What I know is that we caused EACH OTHER sadness, frustration and anger. That makes neither of us 'evil' or 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong' - just human.