Seeing the inevitable demise of my "job" I allowed that to define my worth. I bought into the societal belief that "what-you-do-defines-who-you-are". I KNOW better! But, sometimes (as a beautiful sister-friend reminded me recently) it's only by going through the darkness that we can see the light again.
Looking back now I can see my darkness crept in slowly...fooling me into believing it wasn't there until it had taken over. I thought I was finally on the path to what I've been struggling for for the past 11 years, stability, a home, and secure employment.
Last winter I was given the opportunity to purchase the house I have been renting for almost 3 years. I LOVE this house. It's not too big, not too small, meets all our needs, and sits on a beautiful cul-de-sac which houses 15 other children Janan has become close with, played outside with, rode bikes with, laughed with, spent the night with and shared those moments of childhood we ALL dream of for our children. While it was going to be tight, the numbers showed that if I could just get out from under the rent, I could begin SAVING money AND own a home again. I saw Janan leaving for her first day of high school from this house, of coming here with her first love for dinner, heading off to prom (probably in jean shorts and black Converse high tops) and returning here to HER room exhausted on breaks from college. THIS would be a refuge of familiarity and safety that would allow her to return to the stress and pressures of life renewed and revitalized.
No one can deny it's stressful to walk into a bank and ask for money, especially after the past few years of our economy, but add to that being a single Mom having come from a divorce, short sale of a marital home, a few months of unemployment, and the stress increases exponentially. But, after a ridiculous go around with Chase bank for one piece of paper (if you missed THAT blog, it's here) I was APPROVED!
All I had to do was sign some paperwork and get it back to the bank. As I started that process something didn't feel right. I read and re-read the paperwork thinking maybe there was something I was missing, but couldn't find it. I tried to convince myself it was just the thought of taking on a mortgage in this still uncertain economy. But, as I drove to the bank to drop off the signed paperwork not only could I not shake the feeling, it was grower worse and worse. Just a few miles from the bank, I picked up the phone and called my boss. Why my boss? He's a good guy, but we're not what I would call "friends". Not someone I would ever call when upset or concerned about a life situation. But, that's who I called. And, as it turns out, who I was supposed to call.
I told him I was on my way to the bank to drop off approval paperwork for the purchase of my house...and there was a long, silent pause at the other end of my phone line. Not a "Congratulations!" like I expected and wanted to hear, but a seemingly endless silence that was broken with the words, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." While he couldn't give specifics or divulge "corporate secrets", I quickly knew my job was being eliminated. Whether that was the following day or at the end of the school year was yet to be seen, but it was coming. Like a tornado you see in the distance that you know is going to destroy everything in it's path, but you can't alter that path or get out of its way.
Everything stopped. I had to notify my landlord and the bank. And then sit back and wait for the tornado to hit. But, even though I KNEW it was coming, I couldn't see it or predict when. It became like having a loaded gun held to your head with someone threatening to shoot. You get to the point where you just WANT them to shoot, because the horrific anticipation is worse.
I immediately tried to find a new job. But, six months later I'd had only three interviews and, it seemed, was looking down what I thought was the barrel of unemployment. As it loomed closer I even looked up unemployment and how it would work. I've never had to use it, but you believe it's there to get folks through the hard times. Truly, I don't see how. From what I could calculate, it appeared I would receive about $100-$200/week. That would in now way cover rent, utilities and food for ANYONE!
The darkness had crept in and I hadn't seen it. I hit bottom. I didn't know how I would support us, what I would do and why I couldn't seem to get us on stable ground.
Were it not for some of the most amazing friends who brought light into my darkness, it would have consumed me.
But, yesterday, I received a call from my boss. One of those interviews I had gone on and seemed to not bring anything was leading to an offer. It means moving to Phoenix and starting over again; leaving our home, family and friends. But. while it may or may not be my "dream" job, it will support us well.
There were some signs I should have seen indicating this was the path we were to take - like Janan getting accepted to one of the best gifted schools in all of Arizona less than 5 miles from where I'll be working in Phoenix. But, my eyes had become so accustomed to the darkness that I wasn't even looking for those tell tale signs of coming light.
Last night I had a dream. I was in an amusement park alone, just looking at the rides and games but not participating. As I came around a corner, I saw an open area with one of my favorite singers, India Arie, getting ready to perform. As the music swelled, I began to dance. I danced into the arms of people I didn't even know, but as I spun each one of their hands supported and guided me right up to Miss Arie. She looked and me and said some things I'm still processing, but I felt joy for the first time in a LONG time! And, I was given a "free pass" by a guy just walking by to attend any class of my choice. (What? Don't you love dreams and their less than clear meanings?)
Of course, I feel like I've ALREADY attended one of the toughest life classes possible, but I look forward to whatever else is to come. I'm no longer going to fight the current of life. I'm gonna grab an inner tube and go with the flow.
THANK YOU to my beautiful sister-friends traveling this life time with me who guided me through the darkness and back into the light. Each one of your hands touched, guided and supported me.
Now, crank up the music and dance with me! I love EACH and EVERY one of you!
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