Common Sense vs. Intellectual Intelligence

Because of our own individual personalities, our likes & dislikes, pet peeves, etc. we all have things that absolutely drive us crazy.  But what happens when these personality clashes happen with our own children?

Though no mother probably really LOVES one child more than another, I'm coming to see it's absolutely possible she may LIKE one more than the other -simply because their personalities are more similar.  And, yes, I'm sure there are all kinds of books and articles out there about this written by highly logical thinkers for whom this seemed obvious.  But, for me, I'm just beginning to see how much my & Janan's personality differences lead to conflict and what I consider to be my worst "Mama Moments".  

I define a "Mama Moment" as either those times when I really shine at being a Mama (I THINK I have those...but you'll have to ask Janan for unbiased confirmation) as well as those times when I FAIL.

Recently, I've come to realize my biggest "FAILS" stem from the fact that being a person whose brain thinks more "common sensically" (yep, new word for my blog) than "logically" makes me the polar opposite of my child whose brain is 100% logical.

Here's the situation that led to this blog to be written:

Friday morning with less than 10 minutes before we have to walk out the door I realize I have forgotten to make Janan's lunch (FAILURE Mama Moment).  I ask if she'll help me and she agrees.  So, working together (positive Mama Moment, right?), we begin getting everything together she wants in her lunch.  She even takes the initiative to say, "How about we just do a 'snacky lunch' today with cheese and crackers?"  Smiling at my sensitive, brilliant child I say, "Thanks, Boo! (my nickname for her)  That choice will make this MUCH easier!"

And, though this moment in our lives seemed to start badly (Mama forgot to make lunch) and turned positive (We're working together & Janan suggests the simplest lunch option) it went downhill from there.  Just as we've gotten nearly everything she wants into her lunch box, I say:

Mama:  Babe, will you get one of your thermoses?  We need to get your water and then we'll be done.

Janan:  Sure!  Where are they?

Mama:  (The initial tingling of annoyance here, because the thermoses are ALWAYS in the same place, so "common sense" would say, "If the thermoses are always under the counter right where your lunch boxes are kept." why wouldn't that be the first place you look today?", right?)  Where are the thermoses, Janan?  

Janan:  I don't know.  In the pantry?

Mama:  (Trying to keep this moment from melting down, I take the higher ground).  The thermoses are always under the cabinet with your lunch box.  You know that.  But, your favorite one is actually in the left side of the sink, since I just washed it last night.  Why don't you use that one?

Janan:  Oh, yeah, I see it.  (So, she gets the thermos out and then proceeds to just stand there.)

Mama:  Keep going, babe.  Can you get the water out?

Janan:  Get the water out of what?

Mama:  (Melt down begins)  Where do we keep the water?

Janan:  In the sink?

(Note to reader:  We have a jug we constantly keep full of water in our fridge.  Primarily because Janan is a HUGE water drinker who likes cold water but, like her Mama, doesn't like ice.  She knows this jug is always at her disposal because, just like fruit, water is one of those things you don't have to ask for in our house.  If you're thirsty, enjoy a cold glass of water!)

Mama:  (Evil eye & silence - hoping the 'obvious' will come to her.)

Janan:  I don't know what you mean.  What am I supposed to take water out of?

Mama:  Janan, where is the water in our apartment?

Janan:  In the sink!

Mama:  Out of the kitchen.  I'll finish this.

Janan:  (crying)  I don't know what you mean!  

Mama:  Janan, I don't know why you do this.  The water that goes in your thermos has been in the blue jug for as long as we've lived - not only in this apartment - but, in our house in Michigan and our apartments before that!  How can you act like you don't know where the water is?

Janan:  You weren't being clear!

At this point, totally frustrated, I shut my mouth, fill the thermos, close up the lunch box and get us into the car.  Of course, Janan's in the backseat pouting and I'm in the front replaying the scene, trying to figure out HOW this melt down occurred.  Believe it or not, scenes like this play out in our home daily.

Trying to find a way out of this "loop" where we're "always doing what we've always done, so we're always getting what we've always got" I open up a dialogue.

Mama:  Janan, can you help me understand why you do that?

Janan:  I don't know what you mean.  (Yes, this is one of her favorite phrases.)

Mama:  Why you act like you don't know what I'm talking about when you really do.

Janan:  BUT I DIDN'T KNOW!

Mama:  Honey, I'm TRYING to understand here.  You have to help me and you can't do that by yelling.  

Janan:  (sulking face & silence)

Mama:  I asked you to get the water out.  Now, where do we always get the water from for your lunches?

Janan:  I KNOW we get the water for my lunch from the refrigerator, but you said, "Get the water out."  I didn't know what that meant.

Mama:  And I don't know what you mean.  Why is that statement not clear?

Janan:  Because I didn't know what I was supposed to get water out of.

Mama: (epiphany moment dawning - if you re-read the statement above, you'll notice one key word missing.  She doesn't say, "....what I was supposed to get THE water out of.")  So, wait a minute, explain to me what you think "Get the water out." means.  

Janan:  Take water out of something.

Mama:  In the context of the conversation, when you're being asked to fill your thermos for lunch.  What would seem to make the most sense?

Janan:  Well, now I know you wanted me to get the jug out of the refrigerator, but that isn't what you said.  I thought I was supposed to take water out of something and that confused me.

Mama:  Here's what's hard for me.  My brain would think, "If Mama wants me to get water out because we're filling my thermos for lunch, it would seem like common sense for your brain to automatically think that means get the jug we  ALWAYS keep water in out of the refrigerator and fill your thermos.  Do you really need me to say, "Janan, I would like you to fill your thermos with cold water from the blue jug in the refrigerator.  So, please open the refrigerator, take out the blue jug of water, open the lid on the blue jug of water, pour water from the blue jug of water into your thermos, put the lid back on the blue jug of water, put the blue jug of water back into the refrigerator and put the top on your thermos"? (Yeah, OK, a judge would probably call that argumentative, but I was frustrated, people.)

Janan:  Well, at least that's clear.

At this point, my epiphany has solidified.  Whereas my "common sense" brain was thinking, "Get the water out." is clear because we're in the context of packing her lunch and, therefore, that would IMPLY the water from the jug in the refrigerator, my daughter's logical brain doesn't automatically go there.  Her brain immediately went to (and I'm not kidding here) "EXTRACT water from something".  So, all of a sudden she went from packing a lunch to being asked to do some type of water extraction.  (Go ahead and laugh.  I'm sure some day,  if I'm actually able to provide society with an emotionally stable, productive member of society, I'll find it funny too.)  The words "Get the water out." don't have to have the context of the situation we're in, because LOGICALLY (and literally) they mean "extract water".

So, I tell her of my epiphany (clearly) and that the way MY brain thinks it would seem to make sense to get the jug out of the fridge, but now that we've talked I think I better understand where the confusion came in and, though it will be hard for me to always have to LITERALLY say what I'm asking, I'll try harder.  However, I need her to try harder to stop and think about the CONTEXT we're in and what would make the most sense.

If I'm right about this it will make both of our lives easier.  If not, we're back to square one.