To Russia - Without Love

If you haven't seen the recent news storm surrounding the mother who returned her adopted child to Russia, check out the link here.


As an adoptive mom, this story obviously struck a cord with me.  The adoption community is similar to a large, extended family created through all aspects of adoption - infant adoption, multiple child adoption, disabled child adoption, open adoption, international adoption, teen adoption, etc.  Though we share the commonality of adoption, each of our stories is different.  


The highlights of my story are:

• I was a foster mother for 2 years before adopting.  

• I chose international adoption (from Guatemala) over US adoption.

• I had a relatively easy journey through my adoption.  None of my paperwork was ever returned, nothing held up my adoption and my bond with Janan was instantaneous. 

But, others have had a much harder time...adoptions terminated because the birth mother decided to keep her baby, adoptions held up because of legal issues, paperwork issues and countries that 'close'.  I even know families who have had trouble bonding with their children, but I have never known anyone who seriously considered returning their child.


So, my first reaction was to condemn this woman.  How could ANY woman put her child on an airplane - alone - and send him to a foreign country - alone - to be picked up by a man she's never met and returned to an orphanage - alone.  
There is NO excuse.


Then, as my brain always seems to do, I tried to see the other side of this story.  and ask, "How COULD any woman do this?"  Here's what I came up with:

• Our society talks a big talk about how important parenting is, but doesn't back it in any way.  According to the Institute for Women's Policy Research there is no standard in the US for maternity leave.  Most companies give women less than 6 weeks and NO company in the US provides more than 6 weeks of paid paternity leave.  
• Every day parents are faced with the decision of leaving their children home alone and showing up for work on time or doing what is right and losing their job.  Often times, the daycare options are limited, too costly or, in many smaller cities and rural areas of our country, simply non-existent.
• Stories abound on the news about parents who begged for help with challenging, unstable, emotionally ill and dangerous kids only to be told by family, friend and medical professionals that they just needed to "try harder" or "parent better".

As a society, we consider parenting, at best, a 2 person job.  But, think about everything parenting impacts.  Though it sounds cliche, today's children truly are our future.  In business, no company would place their biggest investment in one or two baskets.  Why do we accept that as the 'gold standard' of parenting?  


Parenting is the most challenging aspect of anyone's life and the most important, does it not seem to make logical sense that the more healthy, positive support the better?   


Though I cannot personally understand or condone what this woman has done, rather than throwing proverbial stones at her and creating a media frenzy out of this tragic situation what we should be doing is taking a very close look at ourselves as a society.    


If we put as much energy and effort into raising our children as we do into dieting, maintaining a youthful appearance, following the 'stars' in the tabloids, creating corporate mergers, supporting sports, television and music figures, raising money for cancer research, etc...imagine what our world would be like.


It really does take a village, but that village must not only be able but enthusiastically willing to raise its children.  According to the latest statistics I could find (and they're from 1999), there are over a half a million children in U.S. foster care and a quarter of those are eligible for adoption.  This doesn't count all the mother's currently pregnant and considering adoption for their child nor does it include all the children worldwide waiting for a family.  


Why is it we can't rally behind these children? 


So, today, rather than adding my stone to those being thrown at this woman (and many others like her), I'm choosing to be the change I wish to see in the world.  I commit to reaching out to other parents & children in need.  I choose to touch a life in a positive way rather than a negative one.  


Like the quote that's been on my car visor for many, many years says (and, sadly, I don't know who said it):


What if we each took it as our personal responsibility
to not try to save the world,
but just make one other person's world
a little better?
What a gift that would be.