I have known since my beautifully challenging child came home at 5-months of age she would help me grow in ways I couldn't even imagine. Of course, when they're all bundled in fuzzy feet jammies and cooing up at you with those big, beautiful baby eyes the growth seems so painless and and blissful that you go skipping into it like a love-struck woman in a field of daisies.
THEN, reality hits. This beautiful child of mine can test me in ways that no quantum physics-professor-army-sergeant-Biggest-Loser-trainer-Jillian all wrapped into one kinda person could EVER come close to.
Strangely, there are (thankfully more than not) days I embrace these challenges and even welcome them. Something inside still makes me believe I have some semblance of higher intelligence (if not just for the simple fact that I've been on the planet 31 years longer) and I handle 9 out of 10 of the day's trials with graceful aplomb. There are even nights after she's in bed that I kid myself into thinking, "HA! I should write a parenting book. People could LEARN from me!"
THEN, I have a day like today. It started out well enough. After Janan being sick for a week and trapped in the house, I thought it would be nice for us to get out, check out a couple of apartments in the area and get her a couple new pair of jammies (no longer the cute fuzzy feet-y ones, but still necessary) since she's outgrown the ones we brought with us.
When I suggested this she was QUITE excited, so I gave my normal outline of events (necessary for a child who has always needed to know everything in advance with a full, play-by-play itinerary), provided a detailed weather report (also necessary for her to even CONSIDER getting dressed) and a t-minus countdown to our intended leave time.
As is my normal modus-operandi, I then back away and allow her to get herself dressed and ready to go. As I'm getting myself ready it quickly becomes apparent she's developed a "hitch in her get-a-long" (as my grandmother used to so eloquently state), so I gave a gentle reminder....
Mama: I'm leaving at 9:30 and that's just 10 minutes from now.
Janan: I KNOW!!!!
Mama: OK, I was just concerned because you are lying on the floor playing with
rocks and your Bella Sara ponies. If you would rather stay home and play,
that's fine with me. Nana will be here all day.
Janan: NO!! And, I wasn't playing with them. I was just ORGANIZING them.
Mama: OK. Then you have less than 10 minutes to get dressed, brush your hair
and teeth and be ready to go.
She was ready to go at 9:30 and we left to head to the first apartment. But, immediately she began making irritated noises through her nose from the backseat of the car.
Mama: What's the matter?
Janan: THE SUN IS RIGHT ON ME AND I'M SWEATING!!!
Mama: Well, how about I pull over so you can switch sides? We'll be heading south the whole way and so you'd be better off on the other side since the sun is coming up on the side where you're currently sitting.
Janan: It won't matter...the sun is EVERYWHERE!
Mama: How about you just try it?
Janan: I don't WANT to!
Mama: OK, then I don't want to hear you complain anymore. I have the air on and you have the sun shades for your window you choose not to use.
Janan: Well, I feel like I'm going to throw up!
Mama: I'm pulling over. Move over to the other side and re-buckle your seatbelt.
(About a mile later, she's been silently reading.)
Mama: Are you feeling cooler now?
Janan: I don't know.
Mama: OK. I was just trying to help. Is there something else bothering you?
Janan: NO!
Mama: Young lady, if this behavior continues we'll go back home.
Janan: FINE!
Yep, should have turned the car around and gone home right then.
The first apartment showing went well, despite the annoying habit of my nine-year-old to tell EVERYONE our full life story...
Janan: We just moved here because she got a divorce and lost her job, so we came to live with my Nana & Poppy. But, now she has a new job, so we're looking for a two or three-bedroom apartment that doesn't cost too much. Blah, blah, blah..."
...despite being repeatedly told that not only is it not necessary, but also not beneficial when you're trying to get an apartment from these people to start with the "single, divorced, jobless Mama" story.
So, upon getting back into the car I reminded her...
Mama: Remember last time we went looking at apartments? Mama asked that you let me talk to the people about what we're looking for?
Janan: Oh, yeah.
Mama: Great. Let's see what else is close by.
So, I think you're getting the idea. And, truthfully, the remainder of the day went this way. She was cranky and the further into the afternoon we got the crankier I got until it blew at lunch.
Janan has the AMAZING talent of pleading ignorance just to piss people off. So, while at Cracker Barrel (her choice and one of her favorites) she gets a child's menu and says she wants the veggie plate (her normal). Just then the waitress walks up and the conversation goes like this:
Waitress: Welcome to Cracker Barrel. Can I get you something to drink?
Mama: Yes, I'll have a sweet tea. Janan, would you like sweet tea or water?
Janan: (mumble)
Mama: I'm sorry?
Janan: SWEET TEA! Can't you hear?
Mama: (stern look at Janan) To the waitress: I'm sorry. We'll both have sweet tea and I think we're also ready to order.
Waitress: Great! What will you have?
Mama: I'll have the special with hashbrown casserole and she would like a veggie plate. Janan, would you like 2 or 3 choices?
Janan: I don't know what you mean.
Mama: Would you rather have 2 vegetables or 3?
Janan: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!
Mama: What is unclear?
Janan: The menu says 2 choices. So I don't know what you mean.
Mama: Well, that's the children's menu. You generally get the adult veggie plate, so I was just checking to see if you really wanted the child's plate with 2 or the adult plate with 3.
Janan: I don't know what you're saying.
Mama: (to waitress) How about you bring our drinks and we'll get this figured out.
Once again, I truthfully should have packed us both up and walked out. But, I was hungry and I wanted to eat at Cracker Barrel (dammit)!
She continued to feign confusion regarding the complex concept of 2 vs. 3 vegetables on the plate until I finally said in my sternest Mama voice...
Mama: YOU tell the waitress what you want! But, if you order only 2 vegetables and don't get enough food you MAY NOT complain and I will not order more!
Miraculously, once the waitress returned with our drinks, Janan's menu confusion was completely gone and she ordered a 3 veggie plate. But, then she proceeded to lay her head down on the table and scowl at me as if I were some pesky fly buzzing around her head.
So, I lost it. I did what every new mother swears she'll never do - that awful whisper yell our own mother's used to do in public that starts with...
Mama: Your attitude is unacceptable, young lady! You better straighten up right now or you'll spend the remainder of the day in your bed with NO books or toys! If you can't behave any better than this in public, we just won't go out PERIOD! I thought you would enjoy getting out for the day, but apparently I was wrong!
and ends with...
Mama: So you better straighten up and fly right, RIGHT NOW!
Sigh....what does that even mean, really? 'Straighten up and fly right?' She's not a pilot and neither am I.
She did get it together after that. We even ended up getting her new jammies. But by the time we got home I had to send myself to my room because I just could no longer interact with humans.
The mental battles can be more draining than a hour-long cross-training session at the gym and, today, I just wasn't up for it.
According to Saint Augustine, "Patience is the companion of wisdom." Guess I'm not that wise, yet.
i truly appreciate your gift of writing, val!
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